This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
