They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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