I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
