please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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