i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
