i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
