and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
