good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
