im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
