My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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