no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
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