you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
wow bdsm is so cute
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
