I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
