just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
