Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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