seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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