Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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