i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
