sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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