Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
