you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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