he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
