"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
