seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
