my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
