I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
