I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
