you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
