She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
