i was born a porn star she said
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
