everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I am one with the molecules
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
