From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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