Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
