If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
