this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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