After last night, I could never be a politician.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
