I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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