Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
