If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
