so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
