Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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