I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
