Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
