Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
