I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
