i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
