He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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