The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
