I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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