walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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